Weary

I’m upsetting myself.

My brain feels exhausted and is complaining intensely so I’ve had to take a break from all the reading I have to do. I woke up on top of the world this morning. You should have seen how blue the sky was from my bedroom window…and how happily the birds that glided across it said hello to me.So special. I was excited when I sat down to do my bible study. Talking to God and Him talking to me was the best part of my morning. I was in the zone. So afterwards I perched myself on the white mat on my bedroom floor and stared at the mountains of books and journal articles that called out to me. I thought, how bad can it be?

But clearly, I keep forgetting just how bad it is. So I reached for a book and my spirit fell instantly. These texts are wearying me today.These Texts I have to analyse, critique and incorporate into my thesis. Texts that are so heart wrenching and depressing. Texts that baffle me and make me stop and ponder…really ponder. Texts about racism. How did I get interested in such a gloomy subject in the first place? Don’t ask.

In her book “Talking Back” bell hooks speaks about the politic of domination – which is the interlocking systems of oppression that undergird our society. And things like racism, capitalism, socialism, sexism, you name them, are simply manifestations of that one system of domination. In my mind, what is even more unfortunate is the ideology that holds these systems together. The ideology they share at their core which simply put, is a belief in domination and a belief in notions of superior and inferior which are sad components of each and every one of those systems.

Somehow we just can’t all exist without some people being better than others. I bring this up only because to me it encapsulates the nature of wordly knowledge and discourse. Academia does not teach you values or morals, instead it sets up belief system against belief system, race against race, reason against reason, and fact against fact. It teaches you to critique but does not tell you the reason or end result of that critique. What is the use of knowledge if it cannot be applied? If it cannot change people’s lives? This is what is wearying me today – the thought that I’m dangling my feet in a profession that has no regard for truth.

The insistence of racism even in the so called modern world is breaking my heart. The unspoken and often denied experiences of the black woman is making me cry. How did we, as black women come to occupy such an unforgivable place in history and society? What, O Black woman, was your crime that you should deserve such treatment?

I feel tired and emotional. I need to get back to that space…where my mind is sane and quiet, where peace reigns and truth dismantles all notions of untruths, where racism is explained as it truly is – the work of the evil one and not sugar coated in some academic discourse.

I feel very emotional. I wish my thesis could write itself.

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