I’m seated by the train station. My train will be here in 6 minutes. It’s freezing. It’s that icy cold that slices through you leaving you feeling like you’ve just been totally exposed. There’s wind too, whispering wind. For the first time, I’m loving the cold. It’s hitting my face like an unexpected kiss and I welcome it…gladly…because in this moment, I can feel myself. I can feel my loop earrings bouncing back and forth in the wind. I can feel my deep shallow breaths. I can feel my legs trembling from the cold. I can feel my mind silenced by the shock of the icy air. I can feel myself being alive. This is what it feels like to be me.
When I sit down and think about my life; who I am, where I’ve come from, where I’m going so many things and details meet and intermingle. How does one account for one’s life? Clearly, the choices I have made have brought me to this time and place in my life. I can account for where I’ve been, the decisions I have made- both good and bad. I can account for my dreams. But for the life of me I cannot account for this path I walk…so many boulders and rocks to overturn to clear my way. In the end, I don’t know for sure how everything is going to work out. One thing I know though is that I’m alive. That life is flowing through me and I have a responsibility to this life- that I and this life are in a relationship of sorts. An honest relationship where we give and receive from each other. A love relationship.
I’m always forgetting that life unfolds one day at a time. I have this tendency to chunk my days into life and not the other way round. This, I have realised causes me a lot of problems even where there shouldn’t be any :)I’m always thinking about my life as though it is something in the future set to begin at some particular moment that I will only know when it actually happens. This is a sad way to think about life. Because where is the joy in waiting for life to begin?
I see now that being alive is about having respect for the process of life- that process that unveils itself one step at a time, one day at a time. This is not a war and life is not something we need to conquer. Life is not our enemy. Neither is it a competition of brains, beauty or talent. Everyone has their own space, custom-made for them. Being alive is learning to occupy YOUR space…with style and gratitude to our great God who is far much wiser than we all are – He does not make us all walk the same road.
My head is full of hopes, anticipations, wishes, dreams and desires that it’s so easy to get myself all tangled up. So, I’m going to take this moment to be still…”peace be still Sunshine”. From this day forth I am cultivating a new attitude. I am going to collect everything to the centre and let my life spring from there. To be one with this journey…so that I will learn to account for this path I walk.
The cold is beautiful. I feel alive. I feel alive because now I understand that being alive is having a relationship with life.