Unraveled – part 1

I feel unraveled today.

It’s probably because I think too much. I take myself seriously. But then again, I’m a lady and not a joke so I suppose I should take myself seriously.  And to me that means not avoiding thinking about the hard questions…and the simple ones. It means confronting myself when I need to be confronted. No hypocrisy, no drama, just pure honesty, humility and incredible amounts of gentleness lest I dismantle myself while trying to build myself. Being the perfectionist that I am, this is one of the things I make an effort to be mindful of. I do not always do it perfectly, but I try. Nonetheless, today was different.

Instead of me confronting myself, my self confronted me, with a very interesting question. First of all, today was just one of those days; lousy. And by that I mean me, and my attitude. The day itself was gorgeous. I don’t think God ever has a bad day.  He always finds the time and capacity to show some love through His amazing artistry…just the way He lights up the skies and throws in some clouds, all different types, shapes and sizes; the way He fashioned some trees to lose their leaves in winter and stand there, all bare and naked, faithfully waiting for spring; the charm He decided to hide in a stranger’s smile.

But, I digress.

The lousy part of the day was mostly just me. I felt slow and groggy. And my beautiful attitude was having none of that, so it decided to play hide and seek with me.

Work was a pain, literally, but I got through it. Later in the day when I got off work, I went to collect a book from the library and I noticed the new painting they have hang up. In one word…stunning. It’s a huge oil painting, covering about half of a 3 metre long wall. It’s of dolphins and children and boats and the colour blue permeates the entire painting. There is something about it that is so still yet so alive at the same time. It made me stop and stare. It made me notice it.

When I left, I was thinking about love…one of my favourite things to think about. And somehow I went from thinking about that awesome, heart stopping and crazy love I’m going to receive from a man one of these fine days, to another kind of love…that of loving myself. What does it mean to love myself? It was then that my self asked me the question; how can you love yourself without liking yourself? It silenced everything in me.

So, here I am…thinking about love and like and what the two have to do with each other. Because God graciously forgot to give me a selfish heart, I’m always worrying about always putting others before me, of giving myself without leaving any for me and of not loving myself enough. But do I like myself? Do I know myself enough to know whether I like myself? Do I like the way that I look? Do I like this body that is a temple of my soul, mind and spirit?

Like sounds so simple, doesn’t it? It’s just a simple word that seems to embody a simple action. But today, it feels powerful. I mean sometimes I have instant likes and dislikes without even seemingly having a reason for them. So in that sense I could just take an instant liking to myself…just because I am me. I like myself because I exist.

Uhm…I don’t think it works quite like that. It’s often the simple things that hold the key to the most truest of transformations. Who would have thought that a tree would come out of a simple seed? Life is like that. It thrives on simplicity. Complications come when we misunderstand the simplicity. And often it is the very simple things that become complicated. But we NEED to find a way to make simplicity work for us. It means the difference between living and living life abundantly.

Do I like myself? Unraveled, is what I feel. So, here’s what I’m going to do, the first step: I am going to introduce myself to myself.

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