Crushing

I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed.

My heart is not at rest and my mind refuses to stop fighting…fighting with what I know to do in order to have peace. And on top of that, shame insists on being my companion because the source of my trouble is a man. A man who infact does not know I exist and would not care less. A man who never talks to me and if and when he does, it is accompanied with what is akin to a dismissive look. So maybe I should be ashamed.

But then again, who said I have to be ashamed every time I like someone who doesn’t like me? Who said I have to be ashamed for wanting to be seen by a man I see? Where do these feelings of inadequacy that compel me to feel shame come from? I am beset by sheer desperation and I feel short-changed. I want to be seen. I want to be pursued. I want to be fought for. I want to be needed. I want to be loved. But is this really the sum of my life. Is this the major axis my life should oscillate around?

There is often a wonderful exhilaration when I meet or see that someone who makes my heart flatter. For me, crushes have always been welcome but at the same time annoying and exhausting. It so happens that somewhere down the line when I eventually learn that the guy I have my eye on is taken or unavailable, shame invades my system and conquers me. Now I realise the source of that shame – when a crush crashes I blame myself. Suddenly, in my mind, it is my fault that he doesn’t see me the way that I see him; it’s my fault that he’s already taken; it’s my fault he is not interested…I must have done something wrong or I didn’t do enough or something must be wrong with me. Of course this is all nonsense and untrue but and yet I feel it. I feel it so intensely that it ends up masquerading as truth. How can I possibly hold myself responsible for a man who does not and cannot see just how beautiful and special I am?

I have reached the crux and this is where it ends.

I am trading shame, fear and inadequacy for wisdom. The wisdom that will allow me to appreciate a man without losing my centre; the wisdom to live fully even as a single woman as I wait for the man who WILL see me; and the wisdom to wait on God’s unfailing providence. See, here is what I have come to see in vivid colour: for me, between God and a man, there can be no contest because while God can give me a man anytime and anywhere, a man CANNOT give me God. This is hard to keep in perspective especially because the very core of me is yearning for that one man who is flesh of my flesh and bone of my bones. But I have to make a choice.

So, as I walk down the corridor and the man I like is coming towards me looking so regal and incredibly appealing; as our eyes meet and stay locked and I wonder what he is thinking and whether he feels anything at all; as we pass each other with the fiery emotions churning within me and I forget to breathe…I will remember that I have no reason to feel shame.

There will be no more.
No more reckless crushing. And when I do crush, I will do it with wisdom by my side, grace in my outlook and elegance in my stride. This, I have resolved within myself.

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