Going home is supposed to be easy.
Not for me…not this time. I’ve stayed away for too long and I feel overwhelmed by the emotions. How does one prepare to go home when things will never be the same there ever again? How does one prepare to go home when things are not the way they ought to be? How does one prepare to meet the grief that has taken place in one’s absence?
The last time I was home, Dad was alive…and today I go back home fatherless. I’m terrified. The only thing I’m prepared for is the unraveling of my soul. I know that is part of the price I pay for sharing myself with the world. When you travel and live in different parts of the world and share yourself with those places, genuinely leaving a piece of yourself there, you lose that complete sense and concept of home. Home is no longer a definite place in a specified area. It becomes something completely ethereal. At least this is what it has become for me. Right now, I feel like I’m leaving home to go home…and my soul is weighed down by the heaviness of that reality. And that is the other thing that makes this preparation difficult.
I’m a bundle of emotions. I’m laid bare and open. But then again, that is my strength – has always been my strength. And this year I vowed not to be afraid to be honest and vulnerable with myself and with life.
So, this is it. I’m going to get onto that plane and let God guide me. I may not feel prepared for this trip but I will give hope and be hopeful. I will inspire and be inspired. I will teach and be taught. And I will love and be loved. And if at anytime I feel overwhelmed with emotion, then I will just do what Mom says to do…cry.