There is this constant noise in my head, letting me know that today, I am not okay.
It’s like I’m locked up in this bubble, unable to break free- helpless within myself.
They say, as people we have good days and bad days. This is true but also not true.
There is nothing wrong with the day. It’s my take on things that has gone out of sync. My perspective has shifted out of line.
I have these feelings of heaviness and hopelessness pressing every speck of joy and peace into submission. My chest feels stuffed and constricted as though the oxygen is not properly circulating.
I’m burdened with an acute feeling of unfairness.
The truth is…I’m angry.
I’m angry with God. He has all the power to do absolutely anything and yet He has allowed me to be fatherless at a time when I feel I need a father the most. As much as I trust Him, I’m hurting today.
I’m angry…but He and I are in a crystal clear relationship and He knows how to deal with me when I am this way. So, all will be well.
My concern is the bubble.
I have often used it as a sanctuary – somewhere to hide when I’m trying to protect myself. It’s a place where I can shrivel up inside and not have to explain what’s going on with me.
I’m excellent at absorbing other people’s worries and pain but often I have no idea how to easily let others do the same for me. So I climb into my bubble and wait for the motions to pass.
From experience, I can tell you that this is not a good way of dealing with negativity. It has severe repercussions and this is what I am learning.
My challenge to you and myself is to be more transparent and let people who genuinely want to love and help us do that. Relationships flow easily when we follow this principle. Being the bubble queen, trust me, I know.
The goal is to make our life- journey as fulfilling as possible and one of the ways we can do this is by breaking our self-protective bubbles and fearlessly letting sincere people in. This is what works.
I wish you and myself incredible inspiration to be able to do this consistently.
And also, the next time you’re angry…especially with God? Just let it go. His ways are far much higher than our ways. And we’re completely safe in His hands.