My eyes are anxiously drawn to the bottom right corner of my computer.
My fingers, of their own free will, tensely wrestle with the pen in their grip.
The minutes are ticking away and I’m a bundle of nervousness. Excitement and fear collapse into each other igniting from within me a feeling that is sheer helplessness.
I sigh, my breath vibrating off the walls of my lips. I can’t believe I’m shaking like this. My heart is pounding against my chest and the butterflies in my stomach refuse to be at ease.
I know it’s almost that time of the morning.
That time when for 3 minutes you are in the exact same space I’m in and we are breathing the same air. You leave the mail, collect the mail and walk away.
You always look my way…as though you are searching for my eyes. I know because something drops off your shoulders and you smile each time you find them. Is that deliberate?
Even on days when I refuse to look up at you I feel your eyes scorching into me
So tell me, is that deliberate?
I’m not meeting your eyes tomorrow Mister!
Not after what you did to me today.
Maybe if I hadn’t been distracted I would have seen you walk in. But you caught me off guard and I was totally unprepared for you.
You looked at me as though it was the only thing in the world you wanted to do. I didn’t know what else to do but respond to you. And I fear I have betrayed myself…that I have set my secret free and you could see just how much you affect me.
People say hello to me all the time. But yours always sounds like you mean it. That you want me to hear every syllable, every inflection, every pulse, every breath, every caress…how could you say so much in just one word?
I could hear your heart beating in that single word.
And I came undone.
You squeezed every breath out of me.
You took my heart out of its place and held it right in your hands.
You had my soul knotted to yours.
I wanted you…like nothing else in that moment.
And I wanted you to have me like nothing else in that moment.
You were ripping the breath out of my lungs and I didn’t know what else to do but look away. And the moment was gone.
I watched you as you walked away as I do every other day, and I ached to reach out to you. To ask you to stay. To ask you who you are and why you insist on unsettling me so.
But I hold back because it’s the only thing to do…because it’s the right thing to do.
Until life is ready for me to move beyond hello, I’m going to sit with this confusion, these rattling feelings, this wanting.
I am stronger now. I am wiser now.
I will not fall apart. I will not implode. I will be just fine.
So, hello to you too, Mister.