My secret wish is not so secret.
That you are sitting somewhere – in some city, in some country in this big, old world reading this. Coffee in hand and your heart beating faster as you soak in each word, each syllable. They melt inside of you, warming you in a way that is unique to me. You are hearing me. You are listening to me.
There is a part of me that believes in writing things into being. And so I hold this pen and strenuously scribble across the page hoping I can write you into my present, into my here and now. And on the way to finding me.
The truth is I’m desperate for you. For your love. You know all that stuff they say about desperate women? It’s untrue. Every woman is desperate in some way, they just hide it. I don’t blame them. We have been beaten into believe that it is a shameful thing to be desperate for a man. Well, I am not ashamed. I laid down my shame and buried it. I never want to see it again. I dug the hole myself. So, I’ll say it again; I’m desperate for you. In every way a woman can be for a man.
I know you cannot complete me but I’m still incomplete without you. I feel it deep down in my veins every morning when I wake up. Every pulse, every breath reminds me that you’re out there somewhere. You are the other half of me – the beat in my heart.
I won’t lie. Life is good. I’m finding my element – earth and fire. I’m coming into my own. Possessing myself in a way that grounds me and teaches me. Falling in love with the itsy bitsy parts of me that I’ve over looked in the past. I am a woman now because I finally see the woman in me. And she’s bubbling up like a goddess ascending from the water in all her fabulous glory. Life is good.
But it would be better with you in it. The way the daylight is made better with the sun or the difference the stars make to a night. You are the stuff my dreams are made of – sugar and spice, candy and pickle.
I am not looking for perfect. I’m looking for one with whom we will never leave each other in doubt that we are doing our best and that we are continuing to try. I’m looking for you.
I will love your skin off and layer you with my own. I will cover you with my being – always standing in the gap for you.
I am incredibly flawed but with me you can be assured of a genuineness that is out of this world – heavenly in nature. I will show you me in my most vulnerable – that is the best of me. No airs. No pretence. Just me – tender and raw. I am past the mushy stuff of love. I am the real kind – the kind of sweat and blood.
To feel your heartbeat next to mine. To feel my soul rumble because you are near. To drink you in – in silence and in sound. To carry your children in my womb. To grow with you. To break down and pick up the pieces with you. To love you. This is what I crave. You.
My secret wish is not secret anymore. You are reading this – taking it in like rain. I have done my part. Now do yours. Come find me, my lover, my friend. Come find me.