This will be different. It has to be.
I keep telling myself as I sit here, leg-crossed on the floor, staring at my reflection. I feel as though I have been ship-wrecked for too long. I can still taste the sea salt in my mouth.
This…this love affair has to start with myself.
Sometimes it is necessary to get lost at sea in order to appreciate the path home. And the light house that guides you there.
The journey for me has been a masterpiece in divine favour and unexpected twists. It hasn’t been all smooth sailing. I’ve had my share of shipwrecks. But life is like that. Sometimes you have clear, blue skies and calm waters. And other times, the sea is fierce and raging it takes your breath away. And you die a thousand little deaths. This is reality and when we accept it we give ourselves permission to live an awesome life within its bounds.
There are times when I’m reeling from how my life is turning out. I don’t completely understand my path but I probably should take some time to go camping in my soul, flashlight and all, to take stock and celebrate all the goodness that is beginning to live there.
Shipwrecks always dismantle me.
The elements cut me open and leave me for dead. I survive but it’s always at a cost.
Near-love experiences are the worst for me. Maybe it’s because I am a hopeless romantic or perhaps it’s because I don’t know how to love half-heartedly. My nature finds this too foreign a concept to embrace.
Even though I cannot predict when love will finally walk through my door to stay, I’ve just about had it with near-love experiences.
I’m done looking over my neighbour’s fence and wondering why my grass is not as green as his.
Too much focus on the things we don’t have can make us feel as though our life will only begin once we attain those things.
Waiting for love can feel like that.
But as I am finding out, we often do it the wrong side up. We should love as we wait. This is what it means to live from our abundance rather than our lack. And this is the lighthouse I see as I swim for the shore.
Waiting for love shouldn’t feel like I’m waiting for my life to begin. My life has already begun and if I let the brokenness of myself , other people and the world get to me, it will pass me by while I’m busy looking over my shoulder.
Am I afraid? hell, yes. But I’m learning to have more faith than fear.
I have no guarantees but I have a heart bubbling with promise and trust in God. That’s all I can do with what I have.
I love that I can see the lighthouse. I’m not in total darkness. I can see the path. The water is cold and once in a while I crash-swim into the debris from my shipwreck. But I am comforted. I am safe…from swimming the wrong way.
I know. This will be different. It has to be.