I don’t know when it starts.
Maybe it was walking through the park that day & noticing all the people your size had playmates while you shyly lingered besides the swing. Alone & desperate.
Maybe it was that one night when loneliness descended & clutched your heart so tightly that you couldn’t breathe.
Or maybe it was that time when everything was going wrong & you made a promise to yourself to move mountains for your success.
But whenever it starts, it comes swooping down from somewhere infiltrating every cell in your body. Making you heavy, heavy in the soul & casting a powerful spell on you. Your eyes droop & you’re hypnotised. Well & truly.
Thus begins your search for happiness. & convinced you are that it is somewhere out there. You vow to find it.
I‘m not an unhappy person. But then I realised that I haven’t been an entirely happy person either. For the most part, I’ve straddled the fences – like a restless spirit – moving between two worlds.
Like most people, I’ve always thought happiness is something you arrive at; that it is something being dangled in front of you & you have to reach out & grab it. The only thing is, it moves as you move. Forever shifting & making you forever reaching & stretching. That is not happiness. It is grasping. Wild & pure. Not the kind of stuff you want to get hooked on. & yet its tentacles reach into the depth of us. & so we keep reaching out our arms to things outside of ourselves to make us happy.
There is always something to be unhappy about; “I’m too ugly, too fat, too short, too poor, too emotional, too little, too much…”
Insatiableness & discontentment are man’s most reliable friends. Whenever we call, they will always come.
It broke my heart when I found out that people cannot make me happy. Not the kind of happiness that floods your soul & stays there forever. For someone who had so much faith in mere mortals to be good & wonderful all the time, this revelation was shattering. To be honest, I’m still recovering – still dusting off the debris of rolling knee deep in its mess. Attached to that was my sad, sad proclivity to perfection…a perfection that I thought I could drag out of myself & others. Such a recipe for disaster.
I’ve done a lot of soul wrenching & sewing-back-together in this searching for happiness business. I am not the same girl I was a few years ago. The reality that happiness lives on the other side of where my house is, is coming undone right before my eyes & I am loving the destruction.
But even with that, I still struggle with completely letting go of the notion that happiness will come washing in when I get there…wherever there is.
One thing in particular – I’m a single, gorgeous girl *I think I can say that ;-)* & I’ve always thought I would be happy when I get married – that the moment I lay my eyes on the lover of me, happiness would magically begin its work on me. Just like that.
I don’t know, friends, where this idea comes from. But I do know that I’ve practically wasted 10 years waiting for happiness to come in the form of a man. & yes, he will bring happiness when he comes but he is not responsible for my happiness. That is my business. & this is the place where I’ve always fallen flat on my face – this relinquishing of my power to be happy to other people who in most cases are busy with searching for their own happiness.
I have come into the realm of where fundamental peace & happiness lives. & for me, I have to invest in a relationship that is sweeter & better than any other I’ve ever had or ever will have. My relationship with God is my fundamental happiness. & there is beautiful movement in my soul – from understanding this generally to the specifics of specifics – the knowing & feeling God in my corner. Mighty & strong. Loving & kind. A friend of my mind. A friend of my soul.
It doesn’t take away the longing for pure, genuine friendships & a life-long love affair with an equally gorgeous man but it puts it into perspective. & happiness is 99% perspective.
Wherever I am should be the right place & time to be happy. Fundamentally. With every breath in my body.