Here is the thing about being a God-lover. It’s not all candy & bliss. It’s more like sugarcane. To get to the juicy, full-bodied flesh of sweetness, ripping, peeling & cutting has to happen.
To love God you actually have to do things; God-things. The things God does that make Him what He is. It’s the impartiality, the forgiving of others, the loving of the enemy, the esteeming of others better than yourself, the sacrificing & the keeping of the law. You do these things even when you don’t feel like it or you’re having a bad day. This is difficult.
Some people believe it to be a kind of slavery. Maybe it is. But imagine being chained to a mountain of goodness. & imagine that mountain oozing its goodness into you…it’s like that.
To love God you have to know Him. It’s not the mucking around in the emotion of it but the knowing of Him to the core. What He thinks & His take on life. The doing of Him. See, it stops being about you & how you feel & what you think is right. It’s about doing the God-thing regardless of what you think or feel. It is doing that thing that is the right thing to do everyday, everywhere and every time.
Of course this is impossible because we are human & are filled to the brim with the murk of our nature. But we cannot claim to know God without acting like He does. We might as well leave the arena.
To speak of faith & God you have to spill yourself onto life. For to be a God-lover is to be vulnerable to ridicule, misunderstandings, judgement & criticism. But it is also to be privy to joy, peace, contentment, fulfilment, purpose & deep satisfying pleasure.
Many people proclaim to love God. I don’t know much about that. I only know of my own proclamation – I know it like a man knows a woman.
I am drawn to His purity like a miserable moth to the light. Irresistible, undeniable.
He has been merciful to me – the mercy He pours into my lap, no human can offer me. He has the one thing I cannot find anywhere else on earth or in the heavens. Even when I crawl into His presence with bleeding knees & parched lips, I leave with a nourished soul.
But when I try to explain this, words do not exist that quite capture the mystery. The letters of the alphabet fall off one by one in their inadequacy to name the beauty that is God to me.
I walk in a straight line. I am determined so. But as you would know, walking in a straight line can be like walking on a tightrope. You get wobbly & fall off sometimes. So you learn the art of steadying yourself. Balance. sweet, sweet balance. Sometimes it is the difference between life & death.
God is my balance, my ground, my earth, my air, my everything.
& so every night I find myself praying;
“I want to be secure in my knowing of You. In Your loving of me. Please, please…I want to be one hundred percent for You. I want to be amazing for You”