The day ran away from me. I didn’t see it come & go. I got lost somewhere in the middle. & maybe, just maybe this is exactly where I need to be today. Neither here nor there but suspended in between not knowing which direction to pull.
I want the things I like; the things I value; the lovely things that make me feel on top of the world. & those things which I don’t like, the things that reflect back my inconsistencies & failings…those I try to push far away. I’m a tender, vulnerable soul & on a scale of 1 to 10, I’m an 8. But even then, don’t give me vulnerability on the days I want to be strong, on the days I want to soar the heights & conquer. I don’t like being vulnerable. I want it on my time, on my terms. Yes, you’d say that’s pretty normal. It’s a human thing. & I’m human after all.
I feel human today. I feel my flesh pressing in against me. mortal in all its parts.
This means I’m looking in the mirror & seeing all the parts of me that shifted out of place. I’m seeing all the ways my yet to be worked-out stuff is spilling onto the world & onto an unsuspecting public. I’m also seeing all the ways providence is showing up to re-align me. I tend to be rough but He is gentle & kind.
I’m getting the message loud & clear – the past breaks at today. When you walk away, you walk away. You just walk away. because it’s time to. As much as you want to hold on to the feel of it in your hands, that soft, familiar feel of things as they were.
But the past breaks the moment today arrives. in all the physical, elemental ways.
Sometimes you wonder how you could not have seen it – this blinding clarity of who you are. that your existence is not conditional upon somebody else’s. that the space you occupy in the world is meant just for you. that your light is not my light, nor mine yours. & I curse every notion, belief & environment that has taught us to think otherwise & to subtly swallow fragments of these foreign bodies.
I fell for it. again & again & again.
I thought I lacked the strength to fight. to be anything other than.
I’m just a girl. I don’t know how all this stuff works – this everyone is important stuff – especially in the midst of all the mess we create as people. I don’t know how this puzzle connects in perfect colour & completion. But I do know that at the basest of bases every human being has precious & valuable in them somewhere. Sometimes it sits dormant in us suppressed by all the reacting we have to do to the fall out of a world that is not quite beautiful or mature.
Your loveliness is intoxicating & keeps me coming back…
This is the part where I stop glancing behind my shoulder & focus on you – to shower you with my love. In the form of gratitude, to you, who walks into my space & meets me on this page. You allow me to work myself out in this arena. & you are witness to my undoing & my being stitched up again, my growth & metamorphosis. You are catalyst to the clarity that is ever expanding.
You are valued & treasured by this…this girl with big, bright eyes & a searching heart.
I hope my love meets you in a good & warm place today. & I can be for you what you are for me.