Some things, some moments are simply too sacred to reduce to syllables & words. Too precious to gather together in a net of phrases & sentences. Instead, they ought to be breathed in, to be allowed to settle into us. For they are the groans & utterances of our inner most being – those things we know not how to say or give account of. We only know that we know & this reality alone convicts us of their existence & of our own, convicts us of our frame & flesh.
But I find myself wanting to explain these moments to you & to myself. I find myself wanting to mesh a net together that will catch every speck, every drop, every breath of life that lives in these moments.
I want to describe the last 10 days. I want to analyse & cut open & poke…again & again & again until I come to some semblance of a story that I can feel & handle in my hands, tangible & hot. This want rises up in me like an overwhelming tide. Part of this urgent desperation is driven by nostalgia, the other part, by fear. A year from now, will I remember these moments? Will my breath catch in my chest at the magnitude & depth of them? At the mere thought of them?
I don’t want to let go. I want to hold on.
But there are no words to immortalise this time or the me that is reflecting back when I look in the mirror of my soul. Everything is at sea, swimming over each other, cascading & falling into a pit of overflow.
My small hands cannot hold this over abundance.
My vocabulary is limited.
My pen, inexperienced.
The only thing meaningful left to do is Surrender, body, heart & soul. To stop wanting to memorize every freckle of this. To trust that it is all part of me, right into the muscles & bones of me, forever changing the fabric of my being;
To walk on ahead with courage knowing that God will move for me;
To be still in this wanting & needing because He will send His angels at just the right time, even to the very second. No sooner, no later.
There is hope unfathomable. The kind that shines brightly behind thick, dark clouds; the kind that is breathtaking & true because it is wound up in Him who created it & has reign over it.
I can rest in that. I can truly, truly rest in that. & so can you.