Things falling from heaven

Girl-Feathers-Falling

She stood by the window transfixed. Afraid to move. This was the longest she had tamed her nerves. Everything in her had welled into a strange calmness. It was a gift and she was going to take it, no questions asked. Relief from the fiery questions, doubts & fears that plagued her day in and day out. she sighed. The sky was a transparent blue. She could easily get lost in that blueness just as easily as she had lost herself in Noah’s blue eyes. He had taken her by the hand and promised her the world. Who wouldn’t believe him when he stared at her like she was the most beautiful woman in the world?

She shook her head sternly banishing the thoughts. She knew exactly where these thoughts would lead – curled up on the cold floor drowning in her tears.

Her fingers’ grasp on the thin draperies tightened. The trembling seemed to start from the inside of her. It made her knees weak & her senses fill with nausea.

How did this happen? How could she have been so mistaken?

“I’ve never met anyone who understands me the way you do” he had said a mixture of shyness & excitement traced in every line on his face as he tilted his head to look at her. He was the most beautiful man she had ever seen. And he was here, saying these soul-moving things to her. She knew the moment was monumental, she could feel the electricity in her body & on the surface of her skin. & she knew then that if he ever touched her, it would be too much.

“You tick every box of mine…and…and I don’t want to go” he finished. She stared at him with no words or breath, her small chest constricting into its own. He made her so happy it hurt. This was the day she had been waiting for – the man she had chosen had chosen her in return. This is what they called love.

She shut her eyes to stifle the memory. The tears were running down her face and she lifted her face to the sky, wishing the blueness would just swallow her up.

Please God, she prayed. I need to know. Give me a sign. Anything.

Nobody had warned her that sometimes love is not true enough to last forever. & that sometimes people mean something else when they speak words of intimacy.

She had given of herself to him. The fairytale had ended as quickly as it had begun. He offered no explanation except;

“You are not the one for me…”

What about the beautiful words we exchanged? What about the promises…what about what was growing between us, the chemistry, friendship, trust, hope…

“I didn’t promise you anything. I was simply tasting…”

And so it ended there & the journey of her broken heart had began. Her dreams had been smashed into a million pieces & her hands were too small to gather all the pieces back together.

The tears came faster. Unbridled & bitter. The world did not take kindly to women like her – weepy over a man who had given her the wrong impression. A man who had dangled hope in her face and then retracted it as if it was something dirty. There was no sanctuary for this kind of condition. She had to toughen up & get on with life. Her shoulders convulsed in protest as her finger nails cut into the draperies. The cloud around her heart was thick & heavy.

Please God, she prayed again. I need to know. Will I ever mean more to a man? Give me a sign. Anything.

She swabbed at her eyes & that is when she saw the things falling from heaven. One, two, three and soon it was raining hope. The cloud melted. Her heart welled up and the laughter that escaped her throat was from that place deep down that she thought had died.

This was the sign. God had heard her prayer & even more so, he had breathed into her insides grace & compassion. She was not forgotten. She was not alone. The pain would pass & she would learn salvation in the process. This story ended here & its home was to be revisited no more. Hope had returned.

Your side of the bed

side of the bedEvery morning I open my eyes & glance over to your side of the bed. This bed is too big for one person, I always think to myself. Why on earth did I get such a big bed?

I throw off the covers & I‘m ready for it. I’ve come a long way with my relationship with making the bed. It used to be my most despised chore but now I have grown to like it. to delight in it even.

Your side of the bed is always intact. perfect. unused. This bed is too big, I think again. It needs you in it. I need you in it.

When I was little, I used to think every woman had a man. Mama had Papa. & all my friend’s mommies had their pappies. I just knew it was the way of the world – that one day when I was all grown up, you would come along & complete the picture. easy, simple. 123.

It never crossed my mind that you would take so long – that I would become a woman of the world, accomplished in many ways & not have you to walk into when I was feeling threatened, vulnerable, teary & just down right weak. No, baby, I never thought you would take this long.

Sometimes I toss & turn. not because I can’t sleep but because this bed is too big & I can’t warm it all. Your side of the bed is cold & lonely. needing you. I need you.

In-between straightening the sheets, I think about my evolution. Of how I can tell you that I am not incomplete without you. I used to be. There is no hole in my heart that you can fill. & I don’t need you to. What I need is to love you senseless. to give you my all. because I can & because it has been given me to. I am complete in ways that make me feel safe in my incompleteness without you.

I fluff the pillows on your side of the bed & think of all the single ladies. just like me. who wait & wait & wait. Holding out for the best of you. My heart swells up with pride. Something has got to be said about them. them bold & beautiful women who value their hearts enough to put them in the right hands of a man.

I used to wait for you to come & change my life. to give meaning to it. I had handed you that power wrapped in coloured, silvery frills & ribbons. But I’m taking it back now. because it does not belong to you. It does not belong in your hands.

You are beautiful & intoxicating, no doubt, but you are not my saviour. I thought I had you figured out – I had you cornered & bound in intense feeling, emotion & passion. I didn’t see the other part – the privilege & opportunity for growth, adventure & service. You are all these things. You are my lover & friend. You are gold.

I am become free of you. so free that I can love you to bits & pieces. I can handle you under my skin. warm & thick like honey dripping. delicious. so very delicious.

I smile as I caress your side of the bed, thinking & knowing that when the time is right, you will come through that door & find your home. Besides me. In your side of the bed.

Hello

My eyes are anxiously drawn to the bottom right corner of my computer.

My fingers, of their own free will, tensely wrestle with the pen in their grip.

The minutes are ticking away and I’m a bundle of nervousness. Excitement and fear collapse into each other igniting from within me a feeling that is sheer helplessness.

I sigh, my breath vibrating off the walls of my lips. I can’t believe I’m shaking like this. My heart is pounding against my chest and the butterflies in my stomach refuse to be at ease.

I know it’s almost that time of the morning.

That time when for 3 minutes you are in the exact same space I’m in and we are breathing the same air. You leave the mail, collect the mail and walk away.

You always look my way…as though you are searching for my eyes. I know because something drops off your shoulders and you smile each time you find them. Is that deliberate?

Even on days when I refuse to look up at you I feel your eyes scorching into me

So tell me, is that deliberate?

I’m not meeting your eyes tomorrow Mister!

Not after what you did to me today.

Maybe if I hadn’t been distracted I would have seen you walk in. But you caught me off guard and I was totally unprepared for you.

You looked at me as though it was the only thing in the world you wanted to do. I didn’t know what else to do but respond to you. And I fear I have betrayed myself…that I have set my secret free and you could see just how much you affect me.

People say hello to me all the time. But yours always sounds like you mean it. That you want me to hear every syllable, every inflection, every pulse, every breath, every caress…how could you say so much in just one word?

I could hear your heart beating in that single word.

And I came undone.

You squeezed every breath out of me.

You took my heart out of its place and held it right in your hands.

You had my soul knotted to yours.

I wanted you…like nothing else in that moment.

And I wanted you to have me like nothing else in that moment.

You were ripping the breath out of my lungs and I didn’t know what else to do but look away. And the moment was gone.

I watched you as you walked away as I do every other day, and I ached to reach out to you. To ask you to stay. To ask you who you are and why you insist on unsettling me so.

But I hold back because it’s the only thing to do…because it’s the right thing to do.

Until life is ready for me to move beyond hello, I’m going to sit with this confusion, these rattling feelings, this wanting.

I am stronger now. I am wiser now.

I will not fall apart. I will not implode. I will be just fine.

So, hello to you too, Mister.